I like to eat. No really, I love food. Since we were busy tonight I stayed behind and made sure everyone got chow before I did, so I had my Ops sergeant grab me a plate. Lemme back track. I have been getting back into shape and hitting the weights as I have said before and I have turned my diet around. Well, at least its no more cop food and soda, but chicken and vegetables and the occasional Baskin Robbins. I gotta cheat somewhere here...get off me. But I have been recovering from a really terrible accident. An accident which was easily preventable but I was careless and now it cost me dearly. An accident which knows no horror...

I accidently got fat.

I have been working on getting back to my fighting weight, not my original weight ( 8 lbs, 11 oz ) and that would only happen if I got cremated. So my ops sergeant brings back BBQ chicken and macaroni. Now mind you, I have realized I am in a third world country and I should do as much as the sailors did during the glory years of the masted schooners and eat at night so you could not really see what you are eating. I...made...the mistake... of looking at my chicken. Lemme preface this by I am still used to KFC and huge plump white breast that cannot be beat. This was dry so I started to peel it apart. As I did this, I noticed black spots in the breast. But this is only after I am half way through the breast. Anyone ever have bluegill or crappie? Its much the same look, yet I dont know why this has bothered me. Not that I didnt technicolor yawn right there, but then I began to think: since I am trying to get away from youth-extra husky size and have increased the protein supplements and intake into my diet, could this be the reason I have been shitting through cheescloth the last week? Im assuming I wont get trichnosis or some time of spongeoform type CWD, but they were little black spots all over the breast. Crap I tell myself, why did I look? I finished the mac and cheese and then threw the rest out...

Went to a bigger base to get checked out today. Apparently I had some "problems" with my hydraulics, and was causing me a lot of discomfort. I thought maybe I had a torsion pull or even more, a hernia, so I had to have the judge and jury looked at. Had to. Cant be running around looking like a ken doll, can I? Still want people to think when I am walking behind them I have flip flops on. Of course, as I walk into the clinic, they are like ,"Oh sir, we have been waiting for you." And she is female. Ya know, I am like great, the whole damn clinic is gonna see big Sid and the twins in all their non-glory, cold water shrinkage, not ready for prime time playing. But luckily, I was ushered off to the side where the short arm inspection takes place. Nothing upon first inspection, so I have to get an ultrasound. Can I be any more humiliated? Just wait. As I get semi undressed, and positioned and the table, the ultrasound tech comes in and says OK sir , your gonna have to lift this ( ok use 2 hands...) and then move this ( no both hands again sir) I have to slide a towel under and pull up something else. Perfect, right there. The proverbial, "this is gonna be cold" comment is uttered and sure enough it is. The next comment out of his mouth, and this is no shit, is, "So how is your day going?" Im like I'm on my back, junk in one hand, junk in the other, feeling like I am posing for a Paul Reubans (of Pee Wee Herman fame) family portrait, and he asks me that. I'm like, " Umm, good, I think. Youre kidding right?" If there were to be any sort of malfunction, such as the exam light breaking off its mount and hitting me in the head or a surge in the generators to cut me in half with the ultrasound, why couldnt it have happened now, this very minute? God has a sense of humor, and I know now someone is out to get me. Definitely not a Kodak moment...

Everything turned out fine, I just have a problem with one of the fittings in there and some antibiotics will clear it up and motrin will dull the pain. Every single soldier I saw when I got back was like, " Sir, uh, you, uh...is everything...ummm, well ya know, he he, um, your not in any kind of trouble down there, are you, sir?" I was like oh hell no, and I explained what had happened. If you could see the look of relief on everyones face, it was priceless, not because the problem is uniquely mine, but because every male HAS THEM and any type of injury or damage TO THEM is shared and understood by the kindred spirit of all males...

Yep. And then the jokes started...

See ya in the funny papers,

Sl'ainte